Hudson Hawks (Lehman’s Garbage).

“‘How can anyone — regulators, investors or anyone — understand what’s in these financial statements if they have to dig 15 layers deep to find these kinds of interlocking relationships and these kinds of transactions?’ said Francine McKenna, an accounting consultant who has examined the financial crisis on her blog, re: The Auditors. “‘Everybody’s talking about preventing the next crisis, but they can’t prevent the next crisis if they don’t understand all these incestuous relationships.’“

The NYT delves into the sordid story of Hudson Castle, a.k.a. Lehman Brothers’ alter-ego, which they used to squirrel away shady investments. (This shell game didn’t even make the recent Lehman report, which apparently found enough “materially misleading” behavior to warrant criminal charges against Lehman’s leadership.)

Blunt Rebuke.

“‘Access for kids who have pre-existing conditions, who would be against that?’ Blunt asked a group of health care professionals in Springfield, MO. ‘But access for adults who’ve done nothing to take care of themselves, who actually will have as I just described every incentive not to get insurance until the day that you know that you’re going to have medical expenses–that’s a very different kind of story.‘”

Thanks, Roy! Republican congressman and ostensible chair of the “GOP Health Care Task Force” Roy Blunt actually comes out in favor of repealing the ban on denying coverage for pre-existing conditions, one of the few provisions in the recent health care law that usually garnered bipartisan support. For its part, leukemia declined to comment.

The Nuclear Option: Ignorance.

“If there were any doubts that Sarah Palin is a total idiot, she settled them with that single statement….Tip to Sarah Palin: Obama may have some vulnerabilities, and you may have some strengths, but command of the issues doesn’t fall in either category.” As the up traffic here in DC, Slate‘s Fred Kaplan beats back some of the dumber GOP attacks on Obama’s nuclear policy, while Joe Conason tries to explain what Ronald Reagan really thought about nukes.

Sigh…Pick any issue these days, and for far too many of the GOP opposition, the question seems to come down to whether they’re out-and-out venal or just incompetent. Sadly, the answer seems to be yes.

Yelchin, You’re So Cool!

Breaking while in the BVI: Anton Yelchin of Star Trek and the McG Terminator is cast in the William Ragsdale role for a reboot of Fright Night. “The updated version, written by Marti Noxon (‘Mad Men‘), is expected to keep the comedy-horror tone while modernizing the effects.“

True, there are a lot of unnecessary remakes being made right now, but this is pretty great casting, and Fright Night was one of my Halloween staples growing up. Now, as an AICN’er pointed out, how ’bout Mark Strong as Jerry Dandridge (the Chris Sarandon role)?

Made of Stone.

After about a half hour or so of stilted, mind-numbing, make-you-want-to-claw-your-eyes-out exposition, Louis Leterrier’s interminable remake of Clash of the Titans, for some reason or another, takes a brief moment to badmouth Bubo, the metal owl from the 1981 version of the film. Well, say what you will about that goofy Harry Hamlin-Burgess Meredith-Lawrence Olivier flick and its Minervan comic-relief droid — At least it had heart.

This whiteboy-angsty retread of Titans, on the other hand, basically has no pulse whatsoever. It’s just a lumbering, CGI-ridden box office monstrosity not unlike its Cloverfield-ish Kraken, and one that could desperately use the same spark of life Zeus ostensibly once infused in mortal men. You remember that godawful tag line from the first trailer — “Titans will Clash“? Well, the FX processors notwithstanding, that’s about the level of effort put forth by this movie, as in none at all. Granted, Clash isn’t quite as awful as last month’s woeful Alice in Wonderland, but it’s definitely in the same lo-rent ballpark.

This iteration of Clash begins with a starfield and the demi-goddess Io (Gemma Arterton, late of Quantum of Solace, soon of Prince of Persia) in full expository mode, a la Virginia Madsen at the start of Dune. (Or, for that matter, Cate Blanchett in Fellowship — Leterrier explicitly bites from PJ’s Tolkien trilogy several times here — See also all the very LotR-like pans of Perseus & co. walking through Glorious Nature to wherever they’re going next.) So, anyways, this backstory is pretty standard — Zeus defeats the Titans, he, Poseidon and Hades divvy up the universe, etc. etc.

And eventually, along comes Perseus (Sam Worthington, more on him in a bit), a son of Zeus found lost at sea as a babe by a fisherman (Pete Postlethwaite, paying the mortgage). Unlike earlier iterations, this Perseus grows up a sullen, wrathful sort, and particularly after Hades (Ralph Fiennes, wasted) drowns his entire family as an afterthought to a fly-by shooting of sorts. Bent on revenge for these murders, Perseus soon enlists on a suicide mission to defeat Hade’s powerful pet, the fearsome Kraken — which, thanks to a bit of inopportune blasphemy by Cassiopeia, the queen of Argos (Polly Walker, wasted), will either be destroying the city or devouring its sensitive-soul, Peace Corps-ish princess, Andromeda (Alexa Davalos, unremarkable) in ten days time.

So this glum, grim, and altogether peeved demigod sets out with a team of soldiers — let’s just go ahead and call them the body count — to find a way to stop the Kraken, which may or may not include fending off giant scorpions, battling Calibos (Jason Flemyng), bartering with witches, and wrangling with Medusa (Natalia Vodianova). And, given the subject matter, it’s almost weird how boring all of this turns out to be. Partly because Perseus’ fighting style throughout is basically “run-in-the-other-direction-from-the-CGI-thingy.” Partly because the script…well, sucks. It’s just bad one-liners and lazy exposition all the live-long day. And partly because, aside from a pair of Asterix-and-Obelix-style hunters who tag along for the ride (Ashraf Barhom and Mouloud Achour), nobody’s having any fun whatsoever here. It’s all grimacing and cursing the Gods for this, that, or the other thing. Just deadly dull stuff.

Is this innate boringness Sam Worthington’s fault? Well…maybe. I said after the also-terrible Terminator: Salvation that Worthington “has presence, and I could see him being a A-lister if given the right material.” But after Avatar and this flick, I’m revising that statement. He’s had three bites at the apple now, and, while I suspect some female or gay readers may disagree — and making some allowances for the fact that, all three times, he probably spent a good bit of his days on set reacting to a green tennis ball — he’s really starting to come across as a charisma-free zone to me.

But, that being said, everybody here, with the possible exception of Casino Royale‘s Mads Mikkelsen, seems devoid of charisma here, even usual stalwarts like Liam Neeson and Fiennes (both phoning it in, as is brother Poseidon, Danny Huston — But, to be fair, Huston only has one line.) True, handsome/pretty stiffs like Worthington and Arterton so far seem to be shapely blanks no matter what film they’re in. But somehow or another, this movie has the power of Medusa over everyone involved: It just seems to suck the life right out of people. My advice, if it’s not too late: Don’t attempt to look this one in the eyes. By the Gods, save yourselves and turn away.

Yo Ho, Yo Ho, A Pirate’s Life for Me.

Well, friends, I’m afraid y’all are on your own for Clash of the Titans (altho’, FYI, I hear the 3D is a scam, and was added after the film was in the can.) ‘Cause, as of tomorrow morning, I and a group of good friends — all in need of a grand vacation — will be disappearing off the grid, Mosquito Coast-style, for the next ten days or so.

To wit, we’re chartering a 40-ft boat in the Caribbean and sailing ’round the British Virgin Islands for a spell. (Being of the landlubber persuasion, Berk will be holding down the fort in my absence.) So, assuming I don’t go native and learn to live without all these newfangled wired contraptions, see y’all in a fortnight or so — and apologies, me hearties, if those next few logs in the journal be all pirate-y and such…

Update: Well, I’m back, and, indeed, much fun was had — I’ll put up a separate post on the trip once I’ve gotten some pictures back. (My camera was a casualty of the seas, so my boatmates are providing the pics and scanning my salvaged memory card.)

Now We’ve Done It.

Don’t say we weren’t warned: In the wake of the historic particle smashing by the LHC earlier this week, strange and potentially life-threatening anomalies have been reported all around the world, and they’re increasing in both magnitude and frequency. “Dr. Isadora Chin, a spokeswoman for the SCP Foundation, said that several of the anomalies had been granted ‘Euclid’ and even ‘Keter’ status, the designation for life-threatening manifestations of unusual size or behavior…Several have already been relocated to an observation facility in Black Mesa, New Mexico, she said.“

(Maybe Black Mesa? That was a joke, ha ha, fat chance.) Y’know, to be honest, I blame the time travelers from the future who should’ve come back and prevented these catastrophic rips in the fabric of space-time. Bang up job, you effing slackers.

It’s Shaky in Them Veins.

Not set in stone yet, but it sounds like director Paul Greengrass (Bournes II and III, United 93, Green Zone) may be talking with producer James Cameron about a 3-D remake of Fantastic Voyage. Not sure if the Greengrass shakicam would translate to 3-D very well, but it’s definitely an interesting pairing…and about a thousand times more intriguing than the long-rumored involvement of the hackmeisterly Roland Emmerich.

Pixar goes Old-School.

“‘I’ll quote Dick Cook right after James and the Giant Peach was finished. He said, ‘We don’t believe this is a viable medium anymore, and we’re not going to do it,'” Selick told Daily Variety. ‘A few years later they shut down 2D. It’s great that both of those things are back.'” Good news for fans of the stop-motion arts: The Nightmare Before Christmas and Coraline visionary Henry Selick signs up with Pixar: “Selick hopes to benefit from the Pixar brain trust and technology, but will continue to produce toons using his trademark stop-motion style.“

Shine On, You Crazy 8-Bit Diamonds.

The lunatics are in my head…and they won’t stop playing NES. By way of my sis, enjoy the soothing 8-bit syncopations of Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon, as scored for Nintendo. And, hey, look they have The Wall also. Just got started on that one (my personal favorite Floyd, and an album I listened to pretty much every single day of 1988), but at least so far, “The Thin Ice” actually sounds kinda great.