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Barack Obama ('04-'08)

Vote or Die.

“We can’t deny the facts, people. All we will get by electing an African-American is Texas-size space particles crashing into the Earth’s surface, mega-tsunamis that barrel into the Appalachian Mountains, and 6.6 billion dead people.” Howard Wolfson, take notes: By way of The Oak, The Onion preempts a potential Clinton campaign line of attack: “Do We Really Want Another Black President After The Events Of Deep Impact?” “I’m not suggesting that President Freeman was directly responsible for the creation of the Wolf-Beiderman comet or its Earth-bound path. That would be ridiculous. What I am saying is that under the watch of a black man that comet destroyed the entire Eastern seaboard. So, if history is any indicator, a vote for Barack Obama in 2008 is essentially a vote for the complete and total obliteration of the human race.

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