“Will, you are a d**k. You’re godd**n right I was saving those plums for breakfast. Fine, it’s not like they’re my favorite food in the world, but I mean, they’re a seasonal fruit, you scumbag. Buy your own food for a change. All you do is sit around the house all day writing about red wheelbarrows and junk.“
Two recent columns that brought the chuckle somethin’ fierce: McSweeney’s “This is Just to Say That I’m Tired of Sharing an Apartment With William Carlos Williams,” and The Onion’s “Kid Ready To Start Playdating Again.” “‘I’m not looking to get into anything serious right away,’ Gallagher said. ‘I’m not necessarily ready to open up about my dreams of becoming a fireman or someday owning a trampoline, but it’ll be nice not to be alone anymore.’“