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Humor

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Life in the Big City.

“His rad book…includes the answers to such burning questions as, how do I hail a cab? What is a bodega? Which way is Uptown?” From a new book by cartoonist Nathan Pyle, Distractify shows off a number of spiffy animated primers on how to live/survive in NYC. Funny because they’re true, and definitely worth a perusal. The one above — a.k.a. the “Reservoir Dogs walk” — is a huge problem in DC also.

“Dark Wings, Dumb Words.”

By way of Do You Feel Loved, various social media networks get their Westeros sigils. Theirs is the funny.

Gashlygame Over.

“Video game characters are always getting stabbed, burned, blasted, electrocuted, and crushed — when they aren’t falling to their dooms. So they’re perfect for this macabre poem in the style of Edward Gorey’s The Gashlycrumb Tinies.” (Via io9).

Midichlorians? Garmonbozia… | Leland ’14.


He’s more machine now than man, twisted and evil. David Lynch’s Return of the Jedi. (Hey, it almost happened.) I’ll admit, the Sy Snootles gag cracked me up.

“You’ve been dead for around 25 years now.” Also in the Lynch department: For the new Blu-Ray collection Twin Peaks: The Entire Mystery (take my money!), David Lynch interviews the Palmer family, in character. The Leland/Ray Wise one is below. It’s, er, weird…but you already knew that.

You Win or You Restart/Discard.

Now here’s a Super Mario land that Bob Hoskins would’ve been more at home in — Game of Thrones, Mario-style.

In related news, Reddit users craft a GoT deck for Blizzard’s impressively addictive Hearthstone. Many more here.

Update: Now, Hyrule gets the same treatment.

Baked Potato? Not yet.

“This one commercial said ‘Forget everything you know about slip covers,’ so I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slip covers, but I didn’t know what the f**k they were.”

Buzzfeed offers up a ranking of every single Mitch Hedberg joke. RIP. “I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.”

Fake It to Make It.

“‘I told myself I’d stay here until 8:30, and I already killed about 15 minutes avoiding conversation by circling repeatedly around the table of hors d’oeuvres to appear occupied, and another cumulative half hour pretending to text friends, so I just need to make it a few more minutes,’ the tense man told reporters.”

Report: Only 20 Minutes Until Introverted Man Gets To Leave Party. “At press time, sources reported that Brewer’s plans for withdrawal were dangerously imperiled by a partygoer’s insistence that the whole group hit up a nearby bar.”

Four Score and Seven Slides.

“This dialect is notable for its use of bullet points, objet trouve clip art, and gratuitously intrusive animation. Speakers are commonly found in business, academia, government, and the officer corps of the military. While some TP speakers are bilingual in English, many of them see complete paragraphs as only so much babble.”

The Atlantic‘s Robinson Meyer delves into the conversion of classic texts into “Terrible Powerpoint”, including Paul’s letter to the Corinthians and the Gettysburg Address. “It is so that these TP speakers might be saved that I have translated Paul’s First Letter to the Corinthians into their native tongue.”

Chief O’Brien, Working Stiff.

“We know that Miles O’Brien had a lot more fun serving aboard Deep Space Nine than he did aboard the Enterprise, and these ennui-filled comics help explain why. Hanging out alone in the transporter room all day is bound to drive a fellow a bit mad.”

Need more ST:TNG-related humor? io9 also recently pointed the way to this amusing webcomic about Chief O’Brien’s daily grind (before getting reassigned to Deep Space Nine.) Can an actual honest-to-goodness Colm Meaney cameo be far behind?

[YOU] have joined the call.

“The dialogue is randomized so that you never listen to exactly the same meeting twice; this effect also adds to the feeling of disconnection between the participants but somehow still feels entirely believable. Sometimes — particularly if you’re listening at work — it can feel eerily realistic. As Scott tells me via email, ‘It always makes me laugh when the first randomly selected audio clip that plays is “Did someone just join the call?” because it makes the website visitor feel like they’re being addressed directly.'”

Venture, if you dare, into the terrifying existential corporate-bureaucratic hellscape that is ConferenceCall.biz, written up last week by Slate‘s Joshua Keating. “[I]t’s accompanied by an eerie electronic soundtrack and washed-out office imagery that another blog has described as ‘what would happen if David Lynch directed a re-make of Office Space.'”

It’s funny because it’s true — What a gloriously awful and useless form of communication. They invariably end up being one person reading an agenda to everyone else that could have just been distributed and absorbed by all in one-tenth the time — but, of course, you already knew that.

Them Big Boys Did What HBO Couldn’t Do.

“As you probably heard, the onetime juggernaut of a video rental chain formally pulled the plug on most of its remaining retail stores this week. Just think of all those abandoned storefronts where people used to rent ‘Wall Street 2′ or ‘Pain and Gain’ or whatever; just think of what Bruce Springsteen, the bard of economic collapse, might have done with such a…well, I was about to type ‘catastrophic occurrence,’ but..it was more like a sector of the marketplace realigning itself with technological reality after years of denying the inevitable.”

Down in South Carolina, back in 1993, I wore the blue and yellow, got ten free films a week. I built up some movie knowledge, right near the Florence Mall. Now those tapes have been taken away, lost amid the suburban sprawl. After mining the Internet hivemind, Matt Zoller Seitz gathers odes to the end of Blockbuster in the style of Bruce Springsteen.

Mowing neighborhood lawns notwithstanding, Blockbuster was actually my first job. And, while I never cottoned to their Republican-leaning ways or their ridiculous drug test policy, it was a pretty good gig for a high school kid, all in all — if you could withstand the same twenty trailers and episode of Duck Tales playing ALL THE TIME. Like I said, ten free movies a week. As an 18-year-old just working to raise beer-money for college, you can’t beat that with a stick.

Painter of Lightsabers.

“Artist Jeff Bennett has invaded the cloying world of Thomas Kinkade with the full might of the Galactic Empire. In a series Bennett is calling Wars on Kinkade, the Painter of Light’s ethereally bland landscapes come under the iron fist of Star Wars storm troopers, Imperial Star Destroyers and Hoth-crushing AT-ATs.” General Veers, prepare your men for a surface attack: The Empire Strikes Kinkade.

Get Up to Get Down.

“‘Until our country’s funky leaders can resolve this deadlock, U.S. funk leadership, and the booties of all Americans, will remain immobilized,’ said Gregory Tate, domestic motorbooty-affairs reporter for The Washington Funkenquarterly. ‘Unless a compromise can be reached soon, the entire nation’s thang could be in serious jeopardy.'”

Also in music-related shutdown humor, a classic from The Onion highly-pertinent to today’s troubled times: National Funk Congress Deadlocked on Get Up/Get Down Issue. “A growing number of citizens are fed up with the nation’s current leadership for putting party politics before the need of the people to turn this mother out.” Ya heard?

The Knights Who Say “BWOMP.”


BWOMP, I say. And another via the folks at Slate‘s Browbeat, file this next to Shining: In a world ravaged by the Dark Ages, King Arthur (Graham Chapman) must assemble a band of hardy knights and find a sacred cup lost to history in the action-packed trailer for Monty Python and the Holy Grail. BWOMP.

My Money’s on Scorpion.


“What’s really great about these clips is the way they incorporate classic sprites from the game and put them in a real-world setting. It’s…pretty amazing that technology has advanced to the point where YouTube users can do this stuff without the backing of an entire studio.” An enterprising Youtube user films himself sparring against Mortal Kombat‘s fiercest fighters. Somebody needs to work on their combos.

Exterminate your Negativity.


“EXHALE! RELAXED! INHALE! CALM! EXHALE! RELAXED!” Dalek Relaxation. Somehow I don’t think this will put Wii Fit Yoga out of business.

Jurassic Office Park.


Almost undoubtedly staged, but it still made me laugh: By way of Io9, a man goes to work only to discover the velociraptors have escaped. Clever girl…

The Dahk Knight.

So…Ben Affleck. He’s not who I would’ve cast, and it’s hard to see how an Affleck Batman would be any different from his portrayal of Daredevil. But he isn’t the worst choice in the world, I suppose. Affleck’s a decent enough actor most of the time, and, in any case, the poorly written, too 9/11y by half Man of Steel was so flawed that his presence can only help at this point. (It’s too bad Affleck isn’t directing.) Besides, I doubt any iteration of Batman, Affleck or otherwise, would cotton to Supes bringing MoS-level destruction to Gotham City, unless there were cookies involved. (Animated gif via here.)

A Mean Fender Corgi.

“People who play bass with their fingers look like they’re tickling hairy dogs.” And, lo, a meme was born: Because of, y’know, the Internet, Bassists tickling dogs. It’s heartening to see that Daft Punk opted for a traditional K-9.

They’re All Scrappy Now.

The Governor would’ve gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those crazy kids. By way of Io9, the Scooby Dead. (More here.) Reminds me quite a bit of the Left4Dead games.

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