Recently in Humor Category
Separated at birth? Someone brave soul at LiveJournal dares to investigate the strange confluence of Christian Bale and Kermit the Frog. Now we know why Nolan picked him for The Prestige...[Via Quiddity.]
Some amusing pilfered links: Via The Late Adopter, watch every opening Simpsons couch gag, in just under 5 minutes. And, by way of all over the place (see Ted, The Oak, Supercres, Web Goddess, PCJM, etc.) do you know what Velcro, slinkies, Alaska, and Scientology have in common...?
"So you've managed to create AAA and BBB securities out of a pile of stinky, risky mortgage loans. Boss, you are a genius." By way of Web Goddess, the Subprime mortgage fiasco, explained with profane stick figures.
By way of my bro, Underground Online queries numerous celebrities and luminaries on the most pressing issue of our time: Who would win in a fight between a minotaur with a trident and a centaur with a crossbow? Those weighing in on the debate include David McCullough, Ridley Scott, Helen Mirren, Ed Harris, Marc Singer, and the Battlestar and Wire crews. I was asked before being shown the site, and you can count me in the centaur camp. Screw the dice: If this is happening outdoors and not in close quarters, ranged cavalry > heavy infantry (although admittedly there's something to be said for the existential Nolte thesis.)
By way of Bitten Tongue, the Peanuts characters take on the mantles of Watchmen. Charlie Brown with the power of Dr. Manhattan is a bit unnerving, and Linus seems like more of a Nite Owl-type, but Lucy as Silk Spectre and Schroeder as Ozy make perfect sense...and Rorschach is really just one bad day away from Joe Cool.
Also, via Quiddity and in keeping with the GitM theme, the plight of Pac Man gets reconfigured as a Tale of the Black Freighter. Game over, yellow fella.
A belated happy St. Patrick's Day to you and yours.
"Barack is qualified. Personally, I want to know what qualifies Hillary Clinton to be the next president. Is it because she was married to the president? If that was the case, then Robin Givens would be the heavyweight champion of the world." Tina Fey had her say. Now, it's her 30 Rock co-star Tracy Morgan's turn. I think you can guess which side I come down on.
"We can't deny the facts, people. All we will get by electing an African-American is Texas-size space particles crashing into the Earth's surface, mega-tsunamis that barrel into the Appalachian Mountains, and 6.6 billion dead people." Howard Wolfson, take notes: By way of The Oak, The Onion preempts a potential Clinton campaign line of attack: "Do We Really Want Another Black President After The Events Of Deep Impact?" "I'm not suggesting that President Freeman was directly responsible for the creation of the Wolf-Beiderman comet or its Earth-bound path. That would be ridiculous. What I am saying is that under the watch of a black man that comet destroyed the entire Eastern seaboard. So, if history is any indicator, a vote for Barack Obama in 2008 is essentially a vote for the complete and total obliteration of the human race."
Jesse Dylan, will.i.am, and their legion of photogenic hopemongers no longer have a monopoly on the feel-good musical speechifying. Now it's John McCain's turn. 12008? Good luck with that in November... (Via TPM.)
"Cheering and screaming! Every Sunday I would cheer and scream for what?! How can they do this! 13-3 and home field advantage and they lost to the f**king New York Giants!...ELI SUCKS!" How did William Shirer miss this? As seen at TNR: From deep within his bunker, Adolf Hitler laments the Dallas Cowboys' season. Perhaps in poor taste, as jokes making light of the Nazis often are, but still, I found this pretty doggone funny. (And it brought back fond memories of Mr. Bimmler.)
On my way out of There Will Be Blood, I thought the ludicrous ending might've spawned a goofy catchphrase, and this song was the first thing that came to mind. Sure enough, someone's taken that ball and ran with it. Draaaaainage! (See also I Drink Your Milkshake!, via THND.) Update: More of the same.
This site's been languishing in the bookmarks for a good while now, but that doesn't make it any less hilarious. By way of mkh at Hidden City, Someecards.com, for "when you care enough to hit send." It's got exemplary Onion-like ecards for almost any occasion, and many, many ways to express the inexpressible. Hallmark, you are in a world of pain.
By way of Quiddity, some enterprising soul has compiled the top fifteen most embarrassing photos of Dubya. (Honorable mentions here.) I'd probably have changed the order up (the Katrina guitar pic should be higher) and thrown in a few more (Dubya flipping the Segway, for example.) But, otherwise, well-played.
By way of Ted at The Late Adopter, a bunch of 1940's D-listers reminisce about the Depression Decade, VH-1 style, in I Love the '30's. Hey, isn't that one of the Sonic guys? (The married one, not these two.)
"How could any pilot shoot a missile into a 2 meter-wide exhaust port, let alone a pilot with no formal training, whose only claim to fame was his ability to 'bullseye womprats' on Tatooine? This shot, according to one pilot, would be 'impossible, even for a computer.' Yet, according to additional evidence, the pilot who allegedly fired the missile turned off his targeting computer when he was supposedly firing the shot that destroyed the Death Star. Why have these discrepancies never been investigated, let alone explained?" By way of Triptych Cryptic, Uncomfortable Questions: Was the Death Star Attack an Inside Job? True, it's not as devastatingly on point as The Onion's recent Bush Refuses to Set Timetable for Withdrawal of Head from White House Banister ("I am going to finish what I set out to accomplish here, no matter how unpopular my decision may be, or how much my head hurts while stuck between these immovable stairway posts.") Still, decently amusing nonetheless...I was sold on it by the pic of Palpatine reading My Pet Bantha.
It doesn't seem to play nice with Internet Explorer at all, but this parody mash-up, Dylan Hears a Who: Seuss via Zimmerman -- sent via my sister Tes -- is definitely worth checking out. The joke aside, whoever put this together did a great job of capturing that vintage Dylan sound -- I particularly like the "Ballad of a Thin Man"'ed up version of "Miss Gertrude McFuzz," but all seven tracks are surprisingly catchy and on point. Huzzah.
The freewheelin' Bob Dylan has a lot to answer for in this intermittently amusing Post Show send-up of Dylan's No Direction Home. Admittedly, this guy's singing-Bob impression is pretty funny. (By way of Tes.)
Via Ed Rants and The House Next Door, some wag has distilled the essence of Neil LaBute's lousy Wicker Man remake into two minutes of sheer ridiculousness. I kinda wish I had seen it like this.
Also (sorta) in the trailer bin, Tom Hanks. Is. Bond. (By way of my sister Tessa.)
"It's a very funny movie. You have to laugh at it now. But at the time, we were just glad to get rid of him." Also in Salon, a handy guide to what's real and what's not in Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.
By way of my sister Tessa, a robotic gastronome determines human flesh tastes exactly like bacon (or possibly prosciutto.) Sigh...I was afraid of this. Once the machines acquire the taste, we're all in deep, deep trouble. Or have they already figured it out, and cubicle culture is really just an attempt by the mechs to fatten us up for harvest? Hmmm...is it too late to install a vegetarian subroutine?
"The committee concurred that Dr. Jones does seem to possess a nearly superhuman breadth of linguistic knowledge and an uncanny familiarity with the history and material culture of the occult. However, his understanding and practice of archaeology gave the committee the greatest cause for alarm." One sad note amid all the excellent election news: Despite the best efforts of Dean Marcus Brody, Indiana Jones has been denied tenure at Marshall College. (By way of The Late Adopter.)
"I knew what it was right away, because I remember Stanley talking about 'Lunatic.' He was always saying he wished he knew where it was, because it was such a great idea." Apparently, there's a movement afoot to make a "lost" Stanley Kubrick film, Lunatics at Large. Hey, this could be great news for thespian Brian Atene... (2nd link via Ed Rants/LMG.)
Is it any wonder I reject you first? David Bowie rips up Ricky Gervais on Extras. And, while I'm snarfing arch Youtube links from Ed Rants, see also Kirk and Spock get "Closer," in the Trent Reznor sense. (Some profanity...but you've probably heard the song by now.)
He's a smooth operator, it's time we cut him down to size. The indignities of dial-up being what they are, I have yet to see the whole thing. Still, this Monty Python-ish and Dubya'ed up remix video for Depeche Mode's version of "John the Revelator" seems worth a look-see, DM fan or no. Update: Thanks to a brief and random wireless connection, I watched it all. (Poor Tony Blair.) Ok, the Revelations bit at the end is a bit shrill, and Afghanistan is not Iraq, but I did like the crusader outfit and particularly the 7x7x7 cube of lies.
Some amusing links via other blogs: Pureboredom offers an appreciation of John Hughes soundtracks, with a number of worthy mp3s available for download (via Freakgirl), and Webgoddess points the way to this slew of decently funny motivational posters. We're going to need more monkeys.
By way of a friend in the program, it's the NYT through right-wing eyes. Well, that explains a few things.
By way of other, more frequently updated blogs, some amusing links to wile away the hours: the Curb Your Enthusiasm soundboard [LMG], the Emperor takes an important call [DangerousMeta], and Your Own Personal Samuel [Webgoddess] Use 'em at your own risk.
"Colbert stepped farther through the looking glass by editing Wikipedia's 'Stephen Colbert' entry during his show. He railed against the Encyclopedia Britannica's assertion that George Washington owned slaves. 'If I want to say he didn't, that's my right,' Colbert said. On Wikipedia's "George Washington" entry, the following phrase appeared at the end: 'In conclusion, George Washington did not own slaves.'" The inimitable Stephen Colbert sends his legions against Wikipedia. (Via Now This.)
Let my Cameron go. By way of Lots of Co. and Quiddity, and in keeping with the Shining remix of last year, here's the new trailer for Ten Things I Hate About Commandments. Looks totally Biblical.
"'We are engaged in a battle with people who hate our team and our way of playing basketball,' Thomas said in an interview Tuesday. 'We cannot afford to second-guess ourselves. You are either with the New York Knicks or you are against them.'" It is as we feared. As The Onion reports, Isaiah Thomas has no exit strategy for the New York Knickerbockers.
Will Deadwood be dead wood after three
"The Grail Stakeholder will be allowed one sip from the vessel of a beverage of the Grail Stakeholder's choosing, which beverage to be provided by the Grail Stakeholder at the Grail Stakeholder's sole expense. The Grail Stakeholder may thereby gain eternal life and the healing of all physical ailments. However, because the Grail Finders cannot be held responsible for the mysterious powers of the Grail and all that, the Grail Finders shall not be held responsible for any failure on the part of the Holy Grail to give eternal life to the Grail Stakeholder, or to alleviate physical ailments, and the Grail Stakeholder hereby warrants to make no claims of any kind against the Grail Finders in the event of such failure." Looking for a long-term investment? Here's your chance to own a 2% equity share in the Holy Grail, courtesy of punk rocker and Grail-seeker Rat Scabies. (As sent along by my friend Aimee.)
"I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq." In a must-watch (or at least must-read) event, the inimitable Stephen Colbert took it to Dubya hard at last night's White House Correspondent's dinner, and Bush, according to press reports, was not amused. Great stuff throughout:
* "I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible -- I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be it Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe our infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior."
* "Now, I know there's some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in 'reality.' And reality has a well-known liberal bias...Sir pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash."
* "I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world."
* "I'm sorry, but this reading initiative. I've never been a fan of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart. I mean, they're elitist telling us what is or isn't true, what did or didn't happen. What's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914. If I want to say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American. I'm with the president, let history decide what did or did not happen. The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday, that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday."
* "But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on N.S.A. wiretapping or secret prisons in Eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason, they're superdepressing. And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished. Over the last five years you people were so good over tax cuts, W.M.D. intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew."
* "But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works. The President makes decisions, he's the decider. The Press Secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Put them through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know, fiction."
* "I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the White House has personnel changes. Then you write they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg."
* "See who we've got here tonight. General Mowsly, Air Force Chief of Staff. General Peter Pace. They still support Rumsfeld. You guys aren't retired yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld."
* "Jesse Jackson is here. I had him on the show. Very interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he's going to say what he wants at the pace that he wants. It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is." (Note: YouTube has smaller clips, too.)
So maybe this is why Berk can't stand the droid...experience yet another freeloadin', Magnolia Bakery-filled day in the life of a NYC Roomba. (Via High Industrial.)
Hmmm, why do I always feel like the Met is missing something? Wait, that's it...fine art needs more robots! Ah, that's much better.
(By way of Quiddity.)
Man, you should have seen them kicking Scott McClellan. In related news, "I'm the Decider," to the tune of I am the Walrus." (Where did I find this? The walrus was Paul.)
"This is about camaraderie. It's about teamwork, but most of all it's about history. It's really about knowing your roots. I mean, kids today, they're reading about Wolverine's clone sister. What the hell is that about?" The Secret Wars Re-Enactment Society (By way of Do You Feel Loved?) For old-school comic fans, this is worth seeing for the Kang and Ultron costumes alone. (And, as Chris noted, the payoff is pretty funny too.)
"People should not be 'fraid of cookie. Cookies should be 'fraid of people." Guy Fawkes, meet Crazy Harry. By way of my sister, experience Jim Henson's uncompromising vision of the future, C for Cookie.
In case you missed it, last week Comedy Central's fake news went academic: By way of The Naked Tree and various other sources, The Daily Show's inimitable Rob Corddry delved into racismism (racism against racists) with Columbia's own Manning Marable and Eric Foner. And, soon thereafter, that Apostle of Truthiness, Stephen Colbert, sat down with Harvard's resident throwback, Harvey Mansfield, to discuss the manly virtues. Harvey, go make me a sandwich.
Happy April Fool's Day, y'all. Since I'm feeling lazy, I guess I'll recycle Toast in the Machine for the sixth year in a row. But funnier, fresher stuff can be found elsewhere: Google gets into online dating, Bradlands goes Madlands, Fluxblog self-promotes, and the Museum of Hoaxes offers the Top 100 April Fool's Day Hoaxes of all Time. Update: Wikipedia has a list of the day's hoaxes. (Via FmH.)
Costumes for Roombas. (Via Quiddity.) Unfortunately, I don't think that slinky french maid number is going to rectify Berk's outstanding issues with the vac-droid.
After winning Empire Magazine's Best Picture award, PJ offers up a slow-loading and decently funny King Kong blooper reel, which includes several F-bombs, a chronically mumbling Jack Black, and the missing "Back to New York" scene. Update: Try here instead.
Now bidding for the 2014 Winter Olympics (past the deadline), Hoth. That'll never work. Even notwithstanding the wampa attacks, the tauntauns would freeze before they reached the first marker. (By way of Webgoddess.) Update: In very loosely related news, Landocalrissian Butler? (Via Cheesedip)
In keeping with LEGO's recent renaissance as an font of funny memes (this link via pretty much everywhere), check out these LEGO'd video game screens (by way of Lotta.)
"> EXAMINE CHAIRS
They are two several chairs arranged around the center of the room, along with two couches. Under one couch you find Clinton's shoes.
> FILL SHOES
You are unable to fill Clinton's shoes."
This may be the funniest political Internet post I've seen since the Cheney poker game: By way of WebGoddess and from the brain of Defective Yeti, it's the George W. Bush text adventure. Beware of lurking grues, special prosecutors, and that goshdarned Constitution.
Wonder upon wonders, SNL actually had a decently funny sketch the other night (at least if you're both fanboy and Beastie-inclined): Lazy Sunday (a.k.a. The Chronic!-les of Narnia)...cause Mr. Pibb & Red Vines = crazy delicious. Update: It's a phenomenon.
"I think right now we're trying in these next five episodes that we're filming -- it's blatant that we're begging people to view the show. Like Ron Howard will say something like, 'Please tell your friends to watch this show.' We're just desperate at this point." Here Comes Trouble points the way to an extensive interview with Michael Cera, a.k.a. Arrested Development's George Michael, on the show and its unfortunately probable early cancellation.
I've fallen behind on the movie reviews -- so this one might be brief. As a nightcap (and highbrow/lowbrow change-up) to Ballets Russes on Friday, I also partook of Jesus is Magic, comedienne Sarah Silverman's new concert film. And, while it has some decently amusing moments amid the live footage, this doesn't feel like a movie so much as a glorified HBO special, particularly once you factor in the egregiously unfunny songs and skits included to pad out the material. Silverman is an endearing presence (even given the 9/11, Holocaust, and ethnic jokes) with impeccable comic timing, but she eventually wears out her welcome here in Jesus is Magic.
So, in case you haven't heard of her (or didn't see her in The Aristocrats), Silverman's schtick in a nutshell is "cute, well-mannered, narcissistic girl saying vile and horrifying things," and most of the humor comes from either the shock of her words or the disconnect between her looks and her material. And Silverman does have some funny lines along the way, if you're ok with her anything-goes style of humor: She remembers 9/11 as "devastating...especially for me, because it happened to be the exact same day I found out that a soy chai latte was, like, 900 calories." To motivate her niece, she tells her " that every time she loses at tag, an angel gets AIDS," and that "when God gives you AIDS...make LemonAIDS."
From vanity Holocaust tattoos (her aunt's was "Bedazzled") to racist jokes ("I don't care if you think I'm racist, I just want you to think I'm thin."), Silverman shows again and again that she's more than willing to veer over into tastelessness and back again for the sake of a laugh. But, after awhile, one gets the sense that there's little more to her persona than shock value. When other comics invoke racial stereotypes -- Richard Pryor and Chris Rock come to mind -- it's often as much about social commentary as it is about the joke at hand. But Silverman just seems to let social taboos do all the work -- her gags don't go anywhere, and the only thing funny or resonant about them is the "Did she really just say that?" factor. Throw in the lame songs, most of which are even worse than an after-the-musical-guest SNL skit, and Jesus is Magic ends up being rather a unmagical theater experience. Like I said, this might've worked as a decent HBO comedy special, but it's not a movie by any stretch of the imagination, filthy or not.
Bad news for the Bluths: Despite its critical acclaim and multiple Emmy wins, Fox has cut Season 3 of Arrested Development from 22 to 13 episodes. I caught up with the show recently on DVD, and it's definitely the funniest thing on TV this side of Curb Your Enthusiasm. That being said, it doesn't exactly reward casual viewing, so I can see why it's having trouble at its current slot. Well, maybe it'll find a more suitable home on one of the cable networks.
The World of Fellowship of the Ringcraft, a.k.a. Tolkien meets Worlds of Warcraft. I haven't played WoW or any other MMORPG myself, but this is still pretty funny if you've done any sort of online gaming. (Via Triptych Cryptic.)
Also in a Halloween-ish vein, rocketeer and robot designer Will McCarthy speculates on how to re-animate the dead. The answer? "Zombochrondria." (Via Follow Me Here.)
"No, this program is dedicated to you, the heroes!...And who are the heroes? The people who watch this show -- average, hardworking Americans. You're not the elites, you're not the country club crowd. I know for a fact that my country club would never let you in. But you get it! And you come from a long line of it-getters!" Reviews come in grippy for the first installment of The Colbert Report, Comedy Central's answer to The O'Reilly Factor. His opening monologue (at the official site) is well-worth watching.